Dell's Crappy Pad

Just recently, I seem to feel the bug again (damn it!). I'm not really sure how but I abruptly feel the itch of talking to Joanna… once again. Why, oh why?!

Taking the first step was admittedly embarrassing --- I texted Earl, our common friend, for her new number. The feeling was like rickety all over. Thump – thump. I’ve waited for, like, hours for the response but he never did. So, I heaved-out the thought… for the mean time. Days have passed, Earl texted me and notified me of his phone gone astray. With that, I immediately dismissed the thought of him sabotaging my first step with Joanna (talk about paranoia – hehe) --- but I took aside the attempt to get Joanna’s number for the moment and continued chatting, the usual, with Earl.

Then, one day at the office while waiting for incidents I came across this site, a virtual flower shop. Wala lang --- nangangati nga lang siguro - hehe. I started filling-in the online order form with details so familiar and just like a morphinated man (I don’t know if this is even a valid word for this -- hehe), I clicked on the submit button and Voila! I just ordered a flower delivery for Joanna. What an ass!

The delivery was scheduled 2 days after, and that was a Friday.

Later on that day, Earl texted telling me of something about a reunion for Philomenians (High School) and how it was organized by the "oldies" alumni whom we never knew. Then, I detoured from our current topic, I asked him if a delivery arrived at their office --- he obliquely confirmed it. I tried to ask for more details but he didn’t cooperate. So, I asked for Joanna’s number (again) instead (Pathetic!) --- And he didn’t respond.

The thought of a conspiracy arises. But I didn’t pay much attention to it. Besides, I have an enough reason not to; I’ll be the Primary Support for the whole week --- for the first time. So, I’ve become preoccupied of the probable flaws and tumult in my processes. Gah!

I have easily dispersed the yearning for Joanna’s all abouts for that reason.

Then, one fateful night --- last night, after taking overtime at the office, I headed home and watched American Idol. I was guffawing to the myriad of slapstick-like auditions when suddenly a text message arrived --- It was from Earl. Before opening it, in a quarter of a second, I was hoping that he will finally give me her (Joanna) number. But then, to my dismay, the message goes perfectly like this:

Flabbergasted, I called Kat and informed her of this. It was a mixed emotion. I didn’t know what to feel or how to execute a then unknown emotion. I kept on telling Kat, thru the phone: "wala na, wala na…" and she continuously comforts the wretched me ‘til the line drops. Naubos na load ko eh. Hehe.

I went outside to purchase a load then tried calling again. I tried to call Ice, but the bitch (pardon the pun) was already sounding asleep. So, I called Mae Ann instead --- So, there --- I vented out my then unknown emotional reaction on the matter. I was pathetically grasping for the right emotion but I constantly fail.

I don’t have the right now to feel something a propos her but it was just awful of Earl to deliver that kind of news in such a way that he had to wait for --- what? --- A day before the wedding?! That was a very foul move of him. He could’ve informed me the first time I inquired about Joanna’s number --- It could have been easier for me to digest it.

Hey, I didn’t cry but I can still feel and it is hurting… I feel like I’ve been pissed on by a friend.

I never thought I could feel this way after the break-up. When we formally ended our relationship, she even asked me what would be my reaction then if I saw her with another guy and I confidently told her that it would hurt a bit but I can live thru it because it was my choice and have to accept all the risks that will border it. But, today --- I am swallowing my pride to admit that it stings --- it is painful to know that the woman you once shared your life with is finally settling down for another man. It was depressing to learn that all your hopes of being together again were already dissolved. Why the haste? No more chance, no more hopes for us ---

Oh, well --- Affirmation: I am happy for her --- at least, she already found her someone who she never found in me. I hope the guy will take care of her the way I never made her feel. I hope he will reciprocate the love that Joanna is showing him. For, I know, Joanna is a devotee of love --- I am lucky to be imparted once by the love of her. I wish them both well.